I never knew what I wanted to be. Late at night, long after mama has tucked me in bed and kissed my forehead, I would be awake thinking about all the wonderful things I was going to do when I grew up. Build my own airplane, become the number one assassin, be the greatest movie star the world has ever know. I would always be a hero and have the prettiest guy on my arm. I never failed at anything all those night, of make believe adventures, in my bed. I was somebody. I was on the top of the world. A few years later, and more than a few new dreams, I learned that the world is cruel. To build an Airplane you need to at least know how to spell half the parts or your going to end up with a car motor with one wing. Behind the plane. And lets be honest, I am depressed if my dog runs away, so there is no way I could become a top assassin. And since I am being honest, their life expansive is pretty low. And to be an actor you need confidence. Unfortunately the bright pink braces took all the confidence away.
Being a teenage, who was homeschooled, and socially awkward was tough. I didn't know how to express the emotions that a normal teenage would let loose. Still don't. To combat these feelings and emotions I wanted to mold myself into someone else. A new dream. Late at night, long after mama has tucked me in bed and remind me that I am to old to be tucked into bed, I would sit up and dream up ways to be different. I was suddenly in a highschool, filled with eager new students, strutting my stuff down the hall looking superior with my waist-lengh blonde hair and tank top and bell bottoms. When I decided to give the guys a glimpse of who was boss I would stop with the classic model pose of a bent-out-of-shape back and wink. Boy's would trip over their own feet in awe. Then suddenly I am wisked away from that scene into a highlanders den. The colors, rich viberent and bold, surround me. Become me. I am standing in front of a roaring fire, combing my trusses. I am waiting my fate since a warrior took over the strong hold. I am nervous but confident that I can win this tough warrior over. I hear the foot steps loud and clear coming closer and closer to my prison. I hear the slow creaking of the door open as if he is unsure of what he will find. As he walks in he hesitates. He takes in the scene with a experts eye, and falls on my back. He is pleased with what he sees. Slowly I turn around and my alarm clock starts screaming at me to wake up.
Yes, highschool was, most assuredly, tough. I was so old I couldn't stay awake for my own day dreaming. And I was rudely informed that bell bottoms was out of syle in the 80's. I never got the nerve to mention highlanders and my name in the same sentence. The only dream I could latch onto and make happen was college. Ahhh, Partys, Drinking, Guys, and geeks to pay to do homework. I was biting at the bits to do things that I heard about and saw on TV. I was biting my toenails to the "it" girl.
WELCOME FRESHMEN! Yikes! I remember looking at that sign thinking that this was going to be the start of making those dreams a reality. From building airplanes, to assassinating a bad guy, to highschool maddness, and highlanders prisoner bride, I have finally moved up to somthing that I didn't have to buy anything illegal or move across the world. I was about to make history! I push past those front doors I tell the dorm monitors I want my room or a refund, and I embark on an adventure that I can honestly say I have not recovered from. And I wont recover for another, eh, 18 years.
I decided that first year of college that I wanted to "experience" it all. Everyone said drinking was the thing! Yeah man! Come on! I totally wish I knew when the guys was sober and told me than when they was drunk and assured me that it was awesome. I would have saved alot of headaches that way. I wish I never went to a club. Yes, they are fun. Yes, you make memories that I promise you will never remember. But for me, as in my dreams, I could never settle for "normal". I went all out. My clubbing consisted of no-stop til you drop type. I made memories with so many toliets that I started naming them so I wouldn't get confused. And the elusive male species. Ahh what can I say? Amazing. Awesome.Magnificence. Totally heart break. Remember I am a all outer. So I didn't just "hook up" I latched on like a freaking leach. One thing that was consistent in all my dreams was the males. White male, Black male, Red male, with glasses, without glasses, no hair, some hair, bushy hair, they all was there. And so in a way I thought that if I could latch on to a male I could in some roundabout way make my dreams come true.
And its true. Dreams can come true. But I can promise you its not going to happen the way you think it is. I got everything I ever wanted. I went to college, few bathrooms later found a guy who turned out not to be my highlander. I tried to put together a 500 piece puzzle of a airplane that ended up back in the box. I watched SALT and GREASE. I cried during both. And I traded backstage toilets to potty chairs. I fell in love with a man that can't even say my name much less count past 3, but hey, can't be picky nowadays! Now when mama tucks me in bed and reminds me that I am 23 I sit up and dream about teeball games, teeth falling out, the color blue, and how all the days to follow is going to surpass any dream that I could possibly come up with
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